So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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