too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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