my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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