dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
