can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
