She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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