yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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