im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
