I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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