I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
