Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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