Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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