the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
