So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
