"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
