I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
