u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
