fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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