I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
