her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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