If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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