I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
nutella sex= disaster
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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