i was born a porn star she said
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize