i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
