im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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