I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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