it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
