I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
