i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
