The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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