There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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