I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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