I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
