dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
