Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
