I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
