The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
