Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
