I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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