i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
