Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
