just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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