every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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