Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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