Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
