i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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