WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
