Pregnant stripper...not hot.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
