i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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