I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
