Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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