You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
