Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
